Making Sense of the “U”

This article was originally published in the November 11th issue of Clemson University's convservative newspaper The Tiger Town Observer.


University of Miami athletes take pride in referring to their school as the “U.” I used to think “U” stood for university, as in a place of higher learning. But after watching the behavior of its football players these past few years, I’m beginning to rethink what the “U” actually means.

Perhaps it stands for Unruly. Yeah, that could be it. It’s certainly an apt description for how Hurricane players tried to incite a fight by jumping up and down on the Louisville Cardinals’ midfield logo prior to their game this season. Unruly also describes that ridiculous fight in the third quarter of Miami’s game against Florida International. Why players from the “U” would indulge in a brawl with a football school as insignificant as Florida International is beyond me. Perhaps they remembered former Miami Tight End Kellen Winslow Jr.’s quote about “being a soldier” and, figuring that applied to every football player at the program, determined to combat FIU trash-talking by making it a war zone. If so, somebody should tell the Hurricanes that helmets are not a particularly effective weapon to use in real wars. And that football players have no idea what it’s like being a real soldier.

Or maybe the “U” stands for Unapologetic, as in the way your University President responded to the fight. This is what Miami President Donna Shalala had to say publicly about the consequences of that brawl:

"This university will be firm and punish people who do bad things, but we will not throw any student under the bus for instant restoration of our image or our reputation. I will not hang them in a public square. I will not eliminate their participation at the university. I will not take away their scholarships."

Are you kidding me Donna? You really thought that suspending 12 players for one measly game constitutes as firm punishment? And that one game happened to be against perennial ACC doormat Duke. So that wasn’t even actually a one-game suspension because you could have rested those same 12 players the entire game and still beat Duke. Good job. At least you suspended that one guy indefinitely, the one who swung his helmet at an FIU player. Guess you couldn’t go lenient on him, huh? Nobody’s asking you to put a noose around the players’ necks but at least you could have handed down a real suspension of 3 to 4 games to show that the University of Miami actually cares about maintaining discipline among its athletes instead of just pretending to care.

Know what else I think that “U” possibly symbolizes? Try Unscrupulous, as in that unscrupulous rap song recorded by those former Miami football players who called themselves the “Seventh Floor Crew” and containing sexually explicit lyrics about gangbanging girls. But maybe I shouldn’t be so judgmental. That song was probably just an audition tape for helping to get drafted by the Minnesota Vikings.
Let’s not forget Unbelievable, as in the unbelievable comments by color commentator and ex-Hurricane football player Lamar Thomas.

"You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked. You don't come into the OB [Orange Bowl] playing that stuff....You can't come over to our place talking noise like that. You'll get your butt beat. I was about to go down the elevator to get in that thing.....I say, why don't we meet outside in the tunnel after the ball game and get it on some more? You don't come into the OB, baby. We've had a down couple of years but you don't come in here talking smack. Not in our house."

It’s nice to see that graduation and the real world hasn’t toned down the “thuggish” tendencies of certain ex-players. But calm down there Lamar; if you had actually went down there to join the fight as you said you wanted to, there’s a good chance you would have thrown out your back at your age, or at least dislocated a joint.

But after much thought, I conclude the most accurate word that “U” could stand for should be Unfit. The Miami Hurricanes are unfit to be part of the ACC. At least in the past we could tolerate your indiscretions because the success of your football team brings in revenue. But you’re not even good anymore; you’re 5-4 overall and 2-3 in conference play. You got spanked 31-7 in that aforementioned Louisville game, won by a single point over Houston, and took three quarters to score 14 points against Florida International. So go away Miami and take your thugs with you. Maybe you will finally figure out what the problem is and fire Donna Shalala. I hear there’s a GM job waiting for her with the Vikings.